ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize