Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
This couple is walking their pig around campus
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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