I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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