My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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