I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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