Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Randomize
