mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
And my parents said I crawled through the house
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
