I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
