I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
