Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
