I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
