Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
