You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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