I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
