I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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