It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
