You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
