Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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