fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
