Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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