mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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