Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
