I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
