ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
