yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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