I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
