I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize