Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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