It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
