I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
