Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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