He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
