On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
