sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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