im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize