If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
so much tequila, so little girl.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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