i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
