Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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