I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
