so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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