I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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