You really coming over, don't trick.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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