booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
