i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
