god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
