puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
