R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
