No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
