She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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