they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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