I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
