So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
