What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
