Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize