That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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